You can pick your friends, but family…that’s in the stars
Those of you who know me know I have a tenuous relationship with my mother. I love her dearly, but I’m grateful that I don’t always have to like her.
My mother is an incredible woman. She’s very intelligent, creative, elegant, and kind. She can make something out of nothing without even thinking about it. She’s a wonderful problem solver. She’s offbeat, and proud of that fact.
Really, in that respect, she was a great role model.
But my mother has this other side that keeps me from being able to have the relationship I want with her. At times, she seems to become this other person- bitter, short-tempered, intolerant. The older she’s become, the more this other person seems to be taking control of her. It makes me sad because I know the wonderful woman she so often is. I also know that it’s largely my fault this other person showed up. From all accounts, she didn’t have this other person before she became pregnant with me.
I’m not pointlessly blaming myself. Mom got really sick when she was pregnant with me, and I’m still learning about her condition.
The point is, I’m often left with this feeling during our conversations that she wants this weird rift in between us, even as she sits there and tells me that I want it. I have to word things very carefully around her, and I hate it. I can discuss anything that requires facts with her, but I have to tread very carefully if I want to discuss opinions. It’s not fair.
I look at others, their relationship with their mother, and I’m jealous. I admit it. I’d love to just be able to sit down and talk to my mother openly about things. I’d love to be able to talk with her without fear of that other person.
In all my travels, meeting new friends and their families, being jealous of other people’s relationships with their mothers, never once have I ever thought that I wished someone else’s mother was my mother. I’ve only ever wished I could have that type of relationship with my mother.
She doesn’t know that. She’ll never know. And she’ll never know how much I love her.
